Wikipedia:Featured article candidates/Alice of Champagne/archive1
Alice of Champagne[edit]
Alice of Champagne (edit | talk | history | links | watch | logs)
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This article is about a Jerusalemite royal princess who ruled the Kingdoms of Cyprus and Jerusalem as regent for her son and an absent relative for years in the first half of the 13th century. She also laid claim to a French county but could not seize it. I was planning to nominate the article with Surtsicna as a co-nominator because they had been a major (and critical) contributor but they have been inactive for months. As I have always loved Surtsicna's articles about medieval royals, I hope they are well and will return to our community soon. I would be really grateful for any comments and suggestions. Borsoka (talk) 02:11, 11 May 2024 (UTC)
Image review
- File:SilverDenierHenryIOfCyprus1218-1253.jpg needs an explicit tag for the original work
- Thank you for your image review. Tag added.
- File:Map_Crusader_states_1240-eng.png needs a source for the data presented, and see MOS:COLOUR. Nikkimaria (talk) 13:30, 11 May 2024 (UTC)
Airship[edit]
As always, these are suggestions, not demands; feel free to refuse with justification.
- Childhood
- somewhat odd that we get a definition of the Third Crusade ("a large military campaign for their rescue proclaimed by the papacy") but not the First. I think the "a large military campaign" bit can be moved to describe the First, or just removed.
- Rephrased.
- "in the aftermath of the First Crusade by western European knights in Palestine but it was nearly annihilated by Saladin, Sultan of Egypt, in 1187–89" somewhat obscures the fact that there were 90-odd years between the beginning and end of the sentence.
- Expanded.
- "who joined the crusade. Before departing for the crusade..." could probably be combined for smoother prose
- Rephrased.
- The phrase "the widowed Isabella" appears twice within short order in the second paragraph.
- Rephrased.
- "agreed that Aimery's eldest surviving son was to marry Henry's eldest surviving daughter would receive the County of Jaffa in the kingdom as dowry" is there an "and" missing?
- Rephrased.
- I think the mentions of Alice and Philippa could go earlier in the paragraph, possibly right after their parents' marriage. As it stands, the chronology and names are a bit confusing for a non-specialist reader.
- Restructured.
- "King Philip II of France invested their uncle, Theobald III, with Champagne and Brie in January 1198" why was it up to Philip to decide who to invest the counties with?
- A previous sentence now clarifies that the two counties were situated in France.
- Some background on Isabella herself wouldn't go amiss (first husband isn't mentioned at all, second husband and eldest daughter aren't mentioned until third paragraph, no details of fourth marriage, etc.) The article places much less prominence on her and her life/lands compared to her husband.
- Expanded info on Isabella.
- Also, according to Isabella I of Jerusalem#Family Alice had an elder full-sister who died in 1205. This surely has to be mentioned, if true?
- Cyprus
- I believe "stepsiblings" is typically hyphenated.
- Modified.
- "They had two daughters, Maria and Isabella, and a son, Henry." birth years would be helpful
- The dates are uncertain.
- I think the prose in the final two sentences of the "Queen consort" subsection could be tightened.
- Rephrased.
- What was the practical difference between the positions of regent and bailli? The fact that Alice installed Philip suggests that she had greater power (was that a royal prerogative?), but then he prevailed over her in the tithing dispute.
- I doubt this is the consequence of a difference between their position, and also doubt that an exact definition of their position could be added, for it was changing (as it is demonstrated by the article itself).
- "Negotiations ... concluded with an agreement in October 1220" do we know when they began?
- Rephrased.
- "In time, the agreement was revised, as the Cypriot noblemen opposed the payment of a tithe (as prescribed by the agreement). The Holy See had also demanded that the estates the nobles had seized from the Orthodox Church be restored to the Catholic clerics. This new agreement, reached in 1222, neither freed the noblemen from the tithe nor prescribed the restoration of Church property." Little bit wordy, and could probably be trimmed.
- In exile
- "who did not want to allow her" I don't think the "to allow" is needed.
- "Still, Alice, who continued..." this sentence doesn't really expand on the last one enough, and could easily be combined.
- "Pope Gregory declared that Frederick did not fulfill his crusader oath and excommunicated him." is this sentence necessary?
- "When Philip of Ibelin died" when?
- "son and successor of her niece Isabella II and Frederick" the "successor of ... Frederick" made me think the latter was dead at this point.
- "Henry I" is written once, "Henry I of Cyprus" twice; I'm not sure the regnal numbers are necessary in the context they are being used (there aren't any other Henry's to talk about) and the "of Cyprus" is definitely unneeded.
- "When Henry I of Cyprus reached the age of majority on 3 May 1232, Alice abdicated from her regency of Cyprus, which she had retained despite having left Cyprus" too much "Cyprus"
- Jerusalem
- "the barons opposed to Frederick's rule" as the only barons referred to thus far have been Cypriot, might be best to clarify
- "Alice nonetheless exercised... She annulled ... She granted ... " these three short related sentences could be combined
- Nothing about her burial or legacy? ~~ AirshipJungleman29 (talk) 20:21, 15 May 2024 (UTC)